My Story to Self-Love

Time for Change

Five years ago I started on a journey that I thought was simply about my hair.

I was 27 and had looked like this for the last 5 years... not bad huh? Well....

One day my friend, Jilly Woo, took her little finger with a frown on her face and started poking at my braids and asking questions. (I had a little bit of grow out, but not much). While, like always, I was internally offended I didn’t show it on the outside, but I knew she was fanning a flame of desire for change within me. 

I have ignored my hair all my life. During my teenage years I was teased relentlessly about my hair because of the different types of extension hair I wore. I was raised in the Northwest in a predominately white world and believed that Christie Brinkley was the standard for beauty and therefore I would never measure up. But I certainly was going to try!  Since I could do nothing about my dark skin I figured my hair was the best place to start. For most of my life my hair has been in some sort of braids… cornrows, braided in a pony tail, individual braids, halfway ins, invisibles... you name it. 

This picture of me in the blue sweater.... is hilarious!!! My sister and I were laughing sooo hard. She quoted Amy Poehler from 'Baby's Mama' and said... "You don't come back from that"... hahaha!!!

Whenever my hair got to a certain length I would take it out of braids, perm it and wear straight like all the other pretty girls.  After a few short months it would break off to an embarrassingly short length  and then I’d start all over again with the braids.

I had done this all my life and now I was a grown woman, married with a baby, and still was completely handicapped when it came to doing my own hair. I refused to have this cycle continue into my adult life.  The time for change was NOW.  

This blog will be about my hair journey; filled with pictures, tips and tricks. It will also address how being Afro has caused me to accept all of who I am, no matter how resistant it is to main culture.

My hope is that you will find something here that inspires you to embrace who you are and then learn to love every bit of it*

You look like a Black Power to the People Person
Fall of 2005 I started thinking about what I would look like if I were to wear my hair natural. And I had a flashback….

(In 2000 I sat in the salon chair of a hair extension specialist. This white man has been in the hair industry for over 20 years and made a name for himself by being cutting edge with hair extensions and weaves. At the time, I was considering getting a weave and he said to me. “Tina in 5 years you will be wearing your hair natural….afro’s and twists and twist outs.” I laughed in his face !!!!  and thought that hair will never be taken seriously or considered beautiful)

So now here I am pondering the idea and I remembered that conversation.  A few weeks later, my younger sister Onnie casually walked into my house with a hood on. After several minutes I pulled it off and said… “what is going on underneath there.” To my astonishment, she had cut all of her relaxed hair off and only natural hair remained. The new growth hair was twisted and the ends dyed blonde…..My face exclaimed “Yikes, what the heck are your doing? You look like a black ‘power to the people’ type of person.” I was taken back for a few reasons… 1. Because of the drastic change. 2. Because she didn’t discuss it with me, she just did it. Later she told me, she did that because she knew I would never approve.

Now the real question is why did I have these passionate thoughts? Thinking that in some way she had crossed over… over to what? To being black? She was already black! And now she was simply choosing to wear her hair in its natural state. Did the choice make her ghetto? It did make her look more African. All of these thoughts were going through my head and I was embarrassed at my self-hatred and contempt. At this point I realized the depth of this change extended beyond simply getting a new hairstyle. I was going to have to address buried emotions of why I have been called “the white, black girl” and my disassociation with my ethnicity.

My sister just recently sent me this picture and she and I chuckled together because I look soooo much better with my hair natural than I do with this straight hairstyle. Who woulda thought!?? I certainly would not have…..

However, I want to make sure I am not coming across as natural hair absolutist.  I think all hair styles, hair colors, hair lengths are beautiful. But I do think every woman should love her natural prettiness and seek for her own afro glam beauty and confidence even if that means she does not look like the latest magazine cover girl.

Detoxing the 'creamy crack'
September of 2005 I learned I was pregnant and figured since I was going to be going through a ton of new physical changes I might as well throw my hair in the mix as well.  Not sure if this was the best plan, but it was the plan I chose.

At the time my hair was damaged from relaxers. The back of my hair was breaking off and falling out and the rest looked very thin….. I started to research on how to go natural and learned that I needed to start with as much new growth as possible (hair that was not relaxed). I had just had a relaxer or, taken a shot of the creamy crack, so I was starting at the very beginning.  Within 6 weeks I had my first bit of kinky new growth. I started to try new things such as braiding my hair in cornrows and then taking it out for a 1980’s crimp look… as seen in the picture to the left.  My mother has been so diligent over the years to braid my hair so the first several times I had her put in my cornrows… but I knew I would eventually have to learn.  

In the picture below I did them myself!!!  I added hair in to my cornrows so that I could braid through the ends and crimp those as well. Even though i do not do this anymore I am very glad I took the time to learn how to braid a cornrow!!

I wore this style for a bit while I was growing out my relaxer. But then Debbie Gibson called and asked for her hair back so I moved on….

Well… kinda..

I discovered the ‘Fall’ or the ‘Half Wig’ or simply put a hair piece.  I am pretty sure I still have one of these synthetic concoctions stored some where in my hair closet… What this is, is a hairpiece with combs on the interior at the front and the back. The idea is that you clip this on about 2-3inches from the front of your hairline. So the big deal is making sure that transition from your hair to the wig hair is seamless. In this picture I am about 4-5months pregnant so it must be Januaryish of 2006. 

By now, I have about 5 months of grow out and was determined to stay the course.

Meanwhile, I am daily being challenged with ingrained images of what I think beautiful is, and slightly depressed because I know that I do not measure up….

I also needed to address these buried emotions of acknowledging the fact that I am a black female..... and what that meant to ME. 

The White, Black girl
Let’s revisit the ‘Black power to the people’ entry….  Toward the end of this entry I made this statement.

All of these thoughts were going through my head and I was embarrassed at my self-hatred and contempt. At this point I realized the depth of this change extended beyond simply getting a new hairstyle. I was going to have to address buried emotions of why I have been called the ‘white, black girl’ and my disassociation with my ethnicity.

Whoa!!! Heavy stuff tinkabinka…. What does that mean? I don’t know exactly, but I’ll give it a try. I think that if I were talking to a counselor they would listen to that statement… and say “Hmmm… tell me more.”  Realizing that the key to breakthrough lies within these three sentences. Soooo, let me say more. But before I do that let me say this…

Talking about race makes me REALLY up tight because discussing it is new to me. So please be patient with me as I search for the right words. My approach in the past has been, ‘ya I’m black but who cares, that means nothing to me.’  But I think I would be remiss if I didn’t address how my disassociation with my race has affected my hair journey. So Please remember I always want to bring unity and acceptance. I want to be a bridge of understanding that extends to all races.

*** The ‘white black girl' ***

Just writing that statement makes me cringe. I immediately feel inadequate, unaccepted and sooooo misplaced. And yet, so many people have called me this all the years of my life.   What does it mean? I wonder if Condoleeza Rice knows how I feel, as I search for respectable company, because as the saying goes, misery loves company.

I was raised in a good family with committed parents but we really didn’t discuss race. It usually was brought up when it was connected to us being in trouble such as …. ‘get your black butt to your room’ or if someone was being irresponsible 'they are so ghetto, just actin' black'… something along those lines..

So now, I am going through this hair transition that is bringing out my ethnicity and it’s causing me to address my self-hatred and contempt; because it is really hard to sport an Afro and not accept the fact that you are a black woman. And maybe, just maybe, that is why I was an easy target for the 'white, black girl' comments

I don’t think I have all the answers nor do I think I have explored the fullness of what I am stirring up here, but this is what I do know…I see all four of these images as equally beautiful, smart, sexy, capable, professional and successful.

.

And I know I could not have said that 5 years ago….

So while I admit there is more progress for me to make in this area of my life. I invite you to experience your own baby steps to self acceptance, whatever the particular issue may be.

Get a new image

Today I am posting a few of my graphics. Graphics that helped me redefine my narrow-minded perception of intellect and beauty.  I already knew this was everything I wanted to be … smart, successful, beautiful, attractive.

These graphics below, I would put in different places to remind myself of my newly expanded version of beauty and power.  When I would open my laptop, a black beauty would welcome me as my screensaver or on the cover of my weekly bible study notebook I put images of cute little girls with afros.  I also subscribed to Essence Magazine, where I was repeatedly shown bronzy glamour.  I also made new friends; I put myself in groups of people that made me uncomfortable. I look forward to highlighting those amazing women in upcoming blogs.

More importantly, I regularly read Psalms 139 and reminded myself that I am “fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful”.   

This renewal is not an overnight process it takes diligence and passion to be free from whatever is enslaving you.  This is my journey, but what is enslaving you? What holds you back from doing the thing you have always wanted to do? Take a step today toward freedom and be committed to it.

My Hair Truth

May 2006 I finally got the guts to cut my hair off. Well, cut off the relaxed hair. By this time I was 8 months pregnant and had 2-3inches of new growth. My plan was to cut off the relaxed hair and braid up the remaining hair. I needed to grow it out before I could consider a natural hairstyle…

I had it braided up in a style like this…..

I call this style halfway ins.  The stylist took human extension hair braided it in, to the end of my hair and pulled out pieces of the extension hair along the way. That way some of the braid is covered up and the style looks more hair like and less braid like.

I was comfortable in this style… I blended in, I could even wear my hair in cute little pig tails like the straight haired girls. I felt pretty. But I knew underneath was my truth, my hair truth! Sooner or later that was going to be revealed.

I did this style 3 times. I wore it for a total of 7 months.  This picture was the length of my hair after the first two months wearing the style

After 4 months

After 7 months…

I was soo proud of my length in this picture…. My friend I mentioned in my very first entry, Jilly Woo, (who by the way turned out to be a huge hair fan of mine) received 5 too many texts of this same picture, I was all too excited about my progress.

However the day of truth was coming…. I had made the appointment with the hair stylist and informed her of my process.  My hair was ready… but was I ready for my hair truth?

Cross Over

I have a wonderful husband, did I mention that in a previous post?, if not let me say it again. I have a wonderful husband:) We met our senior year in high school and have been married for 10 years. He is very handsome and certainly doesn’t look like the type who would have a black woman on his arm. He attended a private catholic school and took golf lessons in the summer for goodness sake.  It is often times awkward at events while people adjust to the reality of me being his wife. Their eyes widen, and eye brows raise as they say…. “oh, hi”.  With that being said, he has never once wanted me to look any other way than what I look like naturally. One of the movies we enjoy is “Something New” with Sanaa Lathan, Simon Baker, and Blair Underwood.  I always shake my head at the fact that the white guy who loves her is encouraging her to wear her hair natural and the black guy is asking her to put her weave back in.

My husband has been asking me to wear my hair in an afro since we have been together, 1997. He would help me take my hair out of braids and my hair would be afro crimped and he would say, “I love it just like this honey. Wear it like that”.  I felt loved for me, but at the same time I didn’t believe him.  And it is sad that my fear of challenging mainstream culture was more of a stronghold in me than the love of my husband. However, I know that the change in me that has occurred over the last 5 years due largely to the acceptance and love of my husband.  Our culture has changed toward natural black hairstyles as well, in media and with new products emerging. But my husband regularly telling me I am beautiful, and loving my natural hair has had the largest impact.

At the beginning of June I asked him for the very last time this question; with two pictures in my hand from a current magazine, I  asked “soooo you truly prefer this gal over this gal?” He gave me an exuberant and somewhat exhausted YES!

And you know what, for the first time I believed him. 

Of course it is not him who has changed but me who has started to believe.  As always it is important to note that Scarlett Johansson is beautiful but the newsflash to me is that.... so is Tomiko Fraser.

I am so glad that I am crossing to the other side of this internal battle. It is so much healthier for my soul.  As a mother of a daughter I will be able to lead her by example, which is always more powerful than words.

I encourage you to cross over to the side of your internal battles, whatever they may be. Rightly so, some battles may take professional and medicinal support but the point is, don’t give up… you are worth it and those you influence will be better for it.   

Hair Committee

Did I mention I was Miss Washington 1999?  Yes it is true. I competed for the 2000 Miss America title in Atlantic City.  I enjoyed my pageant experience and the $25,000 I earned to pay for college.  What an incredible opportunity and memorable time for me. The volunteers and ambassadors that run this worldwide organization are so passionate and I am happy to be affiliated with this famous network.

In terms of self-acceptance, these 2 years of pageantry were a very tumultuous hair time.   I was the 2^nd black Miss Washington the State had seen in 20 years! As I prepped for Miss America there were many issues on the agenda but for those first few weeks my hair topped the list. The question?  “what are we going to do with our newly crowned queen’s hair?”  Between my embarrassment, resistance and their plans to fix my hair problems, my hair ended up with its own committee, or at least it felt like it did.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the pageant process, here are some pageant cliff notes.

1.     1. You win a local title, generally a county or city title such as in my case Miss       Pierce County.  

2.     2. You proceed to the State pageant and compete against all of the other local title-holders. 

I competed twice for my local pageant and won the title in 1999. During that time I did with my hair what I knew to do; leave it in braids and the week of the pageant take it out, perm it if necessary, and wrap it up in a curly bun for competition.  After I won my local title in 1999, I braided my hair back up because that’s all I knew to do…. Well, the pageant hair committee said… NO WAY. 

So once again, my hair issues were center stage and this time I had less control than ever. I was vulnerable, nervous, and embarrassed. As the committee said… does she have hair? Her hair is sooo thin? It’s definitely not long enough? She has to get a weave!  One of the committee members said to me… “a black woman with braids or natural hair would not be allowed to anchor the news”  “And that is the look we are going for, Tina, a young professional.”  The concept of portraying my natural beauty was not even considered. 

Most of me agreed with the committee, my hair was problematic which I interpreted as my beauty was broken. There was a smaller part of me that wanted to scream… “Leave me alone! I am BEAUTIFUL just the way I am…. I think.”

We are conditioned to measure our standard of beauty by what magazines, TV, movies etc. set as the standard. When in actuality, we should always ask, what is natural and beautiful for me? Then look to media for tips and tricks to enhance and look our best.  

If I were competing today, I would compete with my Afro because I am confident that this look expresses my true beauty. And I believe we are moving toward a day when we will see a black woman with an Afro or another natural hairstyle anchoring the news.

Your best you is in knowing what you are, loving what you are so that you can be who are*

What Will People Think?

My trip to the salon to get my first natural hair do was December of 2006.  I left the salon and I looked like this… 


Everyone at the salon was very complimentary but I had knots in my stomach… I was stripped of my long hair, even though it previously belonged to an innocent young girl in India or was manufactured in a lab somewhere alongside the hair used for Barbie, it still validated my beauty. I know for many of you that is not the case but unfortunately I had stooped that low. 

The next day was Sunday and I would be taking my first trip to church with my new look, which I knew would be the truest test of my resolve.  Before I would have to make that nervous trek I left the salon and went to my friend Jilly Woo’s house for some reassurance. I took a moment and put on fresh lipstick and some earrings so that I could make the best first impression possible.

I went in sheepishly with a huge question mark on my face. She was more than welcoming… she loved it!! and has been an Afro Champion of mine ever since.

When I left her house, the negative self-talk took a back seat and a sense of soul satisfaction in my natural beauty began to grow.

 

The next morning I got ready for church and did the best with what I had to work with.

As we got closer to church I was battling one of the most toxic worries of all time… WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK?

I thought I was going to buckle at the knees during those first few weeks while I reintroduced myself to friends who didn’t immediately recognize me. BUT you know what?? I didn’t get chopped off at the knees, I may have pitted out a few times but I survived. More importantly the internal growth that was taking place in me was monumental.

Don’t be a victim to those fears that enslave you. ‘WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK? The answer to this is… I don’t know. The bigger question is why does it matter so much? When you accept you, then others can begin to accept you, and then you can begin to start living the life you were born to live.

You Look Beautiful Today

This picture was taken in the electric city of San Francisco August of 2005. We went to see the American Idol concert and to enjoy the city life and it should have been, hands down, one of the best vacations ever!  And by the looks of this picture you would think it was, and honestly in some ways it was. However one of the more prominent things in my mind when I think back on the trip is how horribly ugly I felt the entire time.  I had just started my hair transition and I felt like any insecurity I had ever had about myself was slapping me in the face the whole time. I was stuck in a place of comparison with any and everyone I saw.  I felt bad for my husband that he had to have me on his arm. Have you ever been there? It is toxic a behavior that we are not built to carry. 

This picture was taken in my home city of Seattle the summer of 2009. My friend Kelly and I threw a baby shower for our friend Sasha (seated in the chair).  I remember getting ready that day and loving the color yellow on my skin and thinking “you look beautiful today”.  I went on about my day and my tasks and felt surprisingly strong in my spirit. Later when I saw this picture I was astounded at how glorious my skin looked. I impressed myself with how proud I was to have dark skin.

It is so easy to get stuck in the dangerous trap of comparison and competition.  I encourage you to ask yourself hard questions. Be honest with yourself about what you are and what you are not.  Then be proud of what you have and resist the urge to be depressed about what you don’t.  Freedom from comparison and competition is possible.


Pretty Girl's Friend

A few weeks back I was out with one of my BFF’s.  She is a true friend and is also eye catching beautiful. She favors Paula Patton, Tyra Banks, Jessica Alba and or the Mowry twins.  You know the look, the tall skinny Caramel Macchiato type.

She and I were out in the city together with our kids and I walked away for a moment to grab lunch and while I was gone an unkempt mister approached her and started talking. When I got back he acknowledged me but then turned to her and said, “Check it out.” As he left I asked her what that was about and she said, “He was asking me to be a part of his model in his agency.”  We chuckled, because this guy was a mess, dirty clothes and missing teeth, and had no business asking anyone to be in a modeling agency let alone his modeling agency.

But here is the kicker --I’m thinking, well what am I? Too short?  Too dark?  Too nappy? A short Americano?  But then thought, why do I care what this toothless man thinks?!?!

In years past this would have sent me into weeks of depression and extra time of negative self-talk, but not this time! This time I was merely annoyed for a few minutes.

But the truth still remains that our culture is obsessed with the caramel colored, bouncy haired, tall and slim look.  Now, don’t throw tomatoes at me and yell ‘hater’ because, honestly I am not.  I too agree, that this look is beautiful and I am proud to say that my girls will be one of these exalted women.

But I think we can all give a round of applause to these up and coming models Alek Wek and Ataui Deng for being trailblazers. They are paving rocky pot holed dirt roads for young girls to walk on from all over the world.  

On a personal level, I am smiling. I am smiling about the roots of confidence that are growing deep in my soul. The kind of confidence that will not be shaken by someone saying, you are not as pretty as the girl standing next to you. That inner strength is more valuable than any physical attribute. That is the definition of strong self-esteem, secure in your beauty whether a societal standard validates it or not.  That kind of security in oneself is priceless. That woman is fearless, confident and unstoppable. And in the end, the exalted one.